Archive for October, 2006

Fourth Quarter & Final Down

My due date is looming, just 4 weeks away. I can’t stop thinking about it, how my stomach should be taut and round. How I should not be able to see my feet. What he or she would look like. Would I be a week or so early like the boys? Or would this one have been late? right on time? So many thoughts, so many hopes and dreams, so many prayers and wishes. Nothing to hold.

I wake up often … that thin veil between dream and reality still infront of my eyes. I see a newborn in a blue and green striped sleeper with auburn hair and blue eyes but can not get to the baby. I panic, wake fully and cry softly.

Aunt Flo stopped by this morning for a visit.  Cd 3 ultrasound and bloodwork is set for Wednesday morning. Sperm is on ice. Maybe my due date will be cause for a small celebration. Oh God I hope so.

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October 30, 2006 at 8:03 pm Leave a comment

One in Six

This past Sunday I watched a news bite about infertility on CBC Sunday called The Infertility Industry. Most of what was said about infertility in Canada I already knew. What I did not know is that one in six Canadians have trouble conceiving.

Donating (egg and sperm) must be for altruistic reasons and not for profit in Canada. We have laws that prevent this.  This can make it very difficult for women who need to use donor eggs to conceive to find a match, the wait can be quite long. Some will go to the United States to buy donor eggs and some will go “underground” in Canada to a blackmarket I did not know existed. There are webgroups where people meet, exchange info and some will eventually exchange money for a donors eggs.  I think deep down I knew this sort of thing existed but was still surprised to hear about it.

*The following is my opinion only.*

During this report a young lady was interviewed. She has donated 40+ eggs to couples for profit. I take no offence to her having donated her eggs this way but what the reporter stated next had me fuming. This young lady has a son from a previous relationship, has no fertility issues yet decided with her last donation she wanted another child. She “donated” half of her eggs to the couple and kept half for herself to be fertilized with donor sperm and transferred. She is now pregnant. The part that has me seeing red … she is on welfare. My tax dollars are being used to keep a roof over her head, keep her and her young son fed and clothed and she did not have to pay out one single penny to conceive with IVF!

Pissed off does not begin to describe how I feel.

October 29, 2006 at 11:09 am 1 comment

Dear Co-worker …

I have been happy to share some of my IF experiences with you over lunch occasionally. You know of our struggle … know that it will not happen for us without some type of medical intervention.

I thought the questions you have asked me were because you were genuinely concerned with how things were going for us. I was more than happy to share with you my knowledge of ovulation, OPK’s, HPT’s, meds, bloods and ultrasounds. I did not know that you were asking these questions just so you could make sure that you did not get pregnant. Charting your cycles so you would not conceive. 

However when you pulled me aside the other day to tell me that you saw “two pink lines” even though you had been using protection I was hurt, deeply hurt. To tell someone you know is having trouble conceiving and carrying to term ‘I have no idea how it could have happened.’ makes me want to scream rude words.

Instead I smile and ask how you feel about it only to hear that you have 9 months to ‘get use to the idea.’

Maybe it’s my fault for not saying what it was I really wanted to say but for now I will only say ‘Good morning.’ No more friendly chatter, avoid you at lunch and break and hope to God that watching you grow over the next 8 months or so does not make me want scream obscenities at you.

Sincerely,
The girl in the corner cubicle with the crap eggs who has to purchase sperm from a stranger in an attempt to impregnate herself.

October 24, 2006 at 2:41 pm 4 comments

Teenage Angst

We’ve had a busy week at work. A small group of new hires hit the floor Tuesday morning and I have been doing floor support for most of the week. Our team has a “problem child” that I have been keeping an eye on because he has a quick mouth and temper. I find this exhausting.

Thursday I was on an escalated call for another agent, trying to smooth things over, when my supervisor hands me a note. “Mr. W called re: son. Call school. Not urgent.”  As a parent of a teenage boy I consider notes like this urgent. After getting off of the call I head downstairs to see what’s up with wee soldier #1 but the teacher is in class and will not be available until 3:30. For the rest of my day I conjure up all kinds of scenario’s that this child of mine could have gotten himself into. You see, this wee soldier is just like his mother. He get’s himself into the same messes I got myself into as a teen. He has the same quick-to-speak-slow-to-think mouth that had me grounded more times than I can count. By 3:30 I had him headed to juvenile detention in my mind. After speaking with Mr. W I did not have to head home and bake a cake with a file in it to take to my brown-eyed boy on Sundays. His crime, incomplete homework … several assignments really … and forgery. That’s right I said forgery. It seems that my sweet, brown-eyed boy had been signing my name to not only the incomplete sheets the teacher has been sending home but has signed two of his brothers papers that had marks that could have been better. Grounded until monkeys grow wings and fly out of my ass is now a new part of their vocabulary.

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Sgt. asked me if we were sure we wanted to start all over with a newborn that will surely one day become a smart-mouthed teen with much attitude causing us more grief.

I’m still working on an answer.

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As you can see, the blog looks a bit different. I’ve been playing with headers and such. I’ll be trying out several new looks, can’t decide on which one yet.

October 22, 2006 at 10:36 am 2 comments

October Sucks!

I didn’t update Thursday after my cd7 u/s because I was in a pissy mood. My past three diui’s have been fairly consistent 1 – 3 follies measuring 1.0 – 1.3 but this cycle my body stepped outside the box and played by it’s own rules.  I had two follies on the right measuring at 1.2 and 1.3 respectively and two on the left measuring 1.8 and 1.7. After the u/s I head back to the waiting room with Sgt and … well … wait. I wait with an obnoxious gentleman to the left of me talking in a very loud and pompous voice on his cell phone while his sweet wife sits next to him recovering from an egg retrieval. Every few minutes he get’s up, still on his cell phone and asks the receptionist if they need him in the backroom. She sweetly says no, we’ll call you when we’re ready. To the right of me is another couple that has brought in their two year old that continuously whines and tears up the magazines that they keep handing her to keep her occupied. Sgt and I exchange eye-roll glances. Shame on us. The nurse calls me into the room all set to hand me my Pure*gon and Ovid*rel, saying the re wanted me to trigger in the next day or two. I had this horrible feeling in my gut that it is just too soon and started to cry. This is our last “kick at the can” so to speak and I want to feel good about it, no regrets. Nurse hands me a box of tissues and heads out of the room to get Dr. C. We all sat together talking about what my options are at this point. The re said “How about just timed intercourse this cycle.” I looked at her kinda like WTF and said that is not an option, Sgt has no sperm. Now I know the re’s are busy and I am not the only patient but at least look at my chart before coming into the room.  Perhaps a nice colour-coded sticker on the front so you know the patients protocol. Let’s make the donor sperm recipients a nice blue shall we? One option was to cancel all together and wait for the next cycle (That made me cry more), the other option was to roll the dice, do the 100iu of Pure*gon, trigger and see what happens. The final option is to do a OPK tomorrow and Saturday and if no surge is detected then another u/s Sunday to check follies and see if the two on the right have caught up with the two on the left. Sgt and I decide to go with Door Number Three. OPK’d Friday, Saturday and this morning, no LH surge so bright and early we head into Toronto for a cd10 u/s. Dr. G is my doctor of the day today. She is sweet and soft-spoken. I like her a lot. She takes her time to talk to you and I don’t feel like we’re there just so she has a paycheque. U/s wand in, she pokes around. Lining looks nice, let’s see what’s happening on the left side. Wow! Three follies there now, two have over-ripened. One measures 2.8, the other 2.7. Only one is what it should be, 2.0. The right side I’m down to one follie, and it’s only 1.5. Dr. G say’s “It looks like you will have to cancel the cycle, maybe just timed intercourse.” Granted she does not have my complete file with her and this is the first time she has seen me. I tell her we are using donor sperm and she apologizes. She says she does not want us to waste a vial of sperm on a cycle that has slim-to-no chance. I respect that. So I leave the office with a syringe of Ovidr*el to trigger these behemoth follies, get to look forward to my period in 14 days or so and hope to hell the November cycle is the one. November 29th is my due date for my missed miscarriage in May. It would be healing if it is.

October 15, 2006 at 12:43 pm 2 comments

Parenting Faux Pas

While catching up with some of my favorite IF blogs I came across this post of Julie’s at A Little Pregnant. I came close to peeing my pants or perhaps worse, splitting open one of my swollen ovaries (more on that later). Her post had me thinking back to a car ride with my wee soliders when we lived in Alberta and a small comment by my oldest wee soldier who was just 5 at the time.

I have always been very careful with my choice of words around my children. One word that I find over-used and quite insulting is the word stupid. It is one word that sends me back to being a young lass in elementary school with a teacher who used the word carelessly when speaking with his students making them feel … well … stupid.  Sgt and I agreed that would be one word we would not allow, treating it just as we would words like shit.

One day I was heading into the city to do a bit of shopping. The wee soldiers were sitting in the back seat, munching on Gold*fish crackers and chatting about all the great treats mummy was going to buy for them. The road I was on had two lanes heading east and there was a woman in the car ahead of me using both going particularly slow. Frustration was begining to set in (I have a slight road-rage issue, I admit) and I muttered to myself “Come on you stupid bitch, pick a lane already.” Now, you would think that my being a mother and knowing full well that kids hear everything that you never want them to hear and nothing you do want them to hear I would know better than to mutter something like that under my breath however I have already admitted to having a slight road-rage issue (see above).  From the back seat my oldest pipes up “Mummy, that was not a nice thing you said to that lady.” “Yes sweetie, you’re right. Mummy should not have said that, I’m sorry.” I said to my brown-eyed boy. A slight pause and then …

“You should have called her a silly bitch.”

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I have my day 7 appointment tomorrow morning to count and measure my follies. Feels like they are getting heavier by the hour and the ache has now spread to my lower back. I hope there’s a good count yet not to high that they cancel this cycle. Last cycle I had three good size ones at this point with the Letro*zol and Dr.C is hoping to have as many if not one more.

October 11, 2006 at 7:50 pm 1 comment

Mr. and Mrs. Customer

Today I had the call from hell. The call that all call center agents have nightmares about and wake with a start, shiny from their own sweat. It went a little something like this.

Me: “Thank you for calling *****, my name is Anita how may I help you today?”

Mrs. Customer: “I have no idea why my balance on my latest bill is so high, can you help?”

Me: “I’d be happy to explain your account to you Mrs. Customer, let’s see what’s happening …… I see the last payment we received on you account was for $73.40 on August 8th but the balance for that month was $237.30. That left your account with a balance forward of $163.90 and when added to you new charges of $160.25 gives you a balance of $324.15 for the month of August. We did not receive any payment for that amount and it was added as a balance forward on your September statement along with you services for September that were $98.08. When we add that all up it becomes your new and current balance of $422.23 for which we have yet to receive any payment.”

Mrs. Customer: “I don’t get it, why is my balance so high?”

I repeat the above …

Mrs. Customer: “I still don’t see it, why so high? Maybe you can explain it to my husband and he’ll understand.”

Me: “Hello Mr. Customer, Mrs. Customer feels you may understand the account better. The reason your account balance is so high is because in 3 months we have only received one payment and it was for a fraction of the amount owing. You continue to have an on-going balance that seems to be snowballing. *insert above explanation here*. ”

Mr. Customer: “I don’t understand.”

Take all of the above, repeat several … no hundreds of different ways in the small hope that somewhere in Mr and Mrs. Customers minds a light will flicker on.

Mr. Customer: “I still don’t get it.”

FUUUUUUUCK!

It was, if you can believe, a 108 minute long call. This call should have taken a grand total of 4 minutes from open to close. By the end of the call I was almost in tears from the sheer frustration of it all. Thank you Letro*zole!

FUUUUUUUCK!

October 10, 2006 at 10:01 pm 1 comment

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Who’s that girl?

Me: 36, army wife and mother of two boys. Hoping for "one more miracle". We have tried the adoption route for almost 7 years and have recently changed directions. We are now down this road travelled by many, IF Blvd. 3 diui's, one BFN, two BFP and two heatbreaking miscarriages later we are at a crossroad ... do we try just one more time? Come along for the ride, be sure to have your tables in the upright position and your seatbelt firmly secured ... it is sure to be a bumpy ride.

Menology

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